Dear T-
So you had your yearly Xmas party 2 days ago and since then I can't wait to see you. I had a lot of fun, I stayed away from you and kept to one place in the house. You made the rounds and would come around and talk to me and E (a female someone that you have know for years that I met there) and put your arms around us.
Everytime you would look at me and smile, I would smile back politely with a little smirk. You and I both knew that there were wondrous thoughts going through our heads. I know you wanted to undress me and I kep thinking about how much I would like to get you alone somewhere.
The yearning is still there today. I would love to have some wild sex with you just to get the desire out of my system.
When I spoke to you yesterday at noon, you said that E had called you in the AM and had asked "What's up with you and K". That threw me for a loop and I answered with "What! What do you mean? I purposely stayed away from you." Now, at the end of the night we were sitting on the couch and you asked me to pass a stack of books that you were loaning to E and as you reached across, you rested your arm across my breast. That one subtle sexy forbidden move made me quiver in a good way. When I passed the books to you, we gave each other goofy grins with that knowing smirk. It was that exchange in front of E that made her take notice and call you the next morning.
I wonder what made her call you the next morning about it. I suspect she must either be jealous or have a crush on you. Because any normal person that saw that and interpreted something would not call the next morning unless they were jealous. They would simply note it, talk to their husband about it, speculate, and leave it at that. When women think that someone is stepping on their turf they get jealous. I felt the same way when you would talk about D a couple of years ago. There were many times that my blood would boil when I would think and wonder whether something was going on between you two. I would have loved to have called you and demanded an answer but then the rational side would set in and a couple of days later I would calm down. I know now that there is nothing going on because you call her an ultimate user who uses people and are not very complimentary of her. But I still wonder if you were after her when I came into the picture. Now I wonder if you are just friends with E or whether there was any inclination of desire in the past which may have made her feel slighted when she saw your arm drape across my chest.
I really do love you. Both as my friend and more than a friend. There are times when I wish I was in my 20s again and had met you so we could date in public and not have to sneak around.
Monday, December 17, 2007
Monday, November 19, 2007
Letter # 5
Dear T-
I am such an idiot. Just when I thought everything was going smooth again after the wonderful conversation we had last week, you went back to your frazzled self. I can always hear the difference on the phone when you are stressed or you have something going through your mind.
When I called on Sat to ask for a piece of wood to cover the mousehole in the garage you were on your way to a meeting and wanted me to call you Sunday.
I was dumb enough to forget that the day before you mentioned you had to go out of town to watch your best friend's son in the all-star B-ball state tournament. So when I texted you about picking up the wood and I never heard from you I was a little pissed.
After all I do for you, being the shoulder for you to lean on, being the fun sex person who does not want any commitment, being the voice of reason when you need an opinion, you would think you would be a little bit nicer and ameniable to me.
Your wife is the one who got you into the huge tax mess that you are in now. Had she filed payroll taxes like she should have instead of using them to pay other bills, you would not have had to scramble to all your clients and ask them for money to meet your deadline for the IRS. Your wife does payroll for a large pathology group in town so she knows that what she did is not only wrong but illegal. I can only hope that she is paying payroll taxes this year because I will not be able to loan you any money next year if this happens again.
Seriously, is it that hard to be nice to the one person who never treats you bad? I am on a mission to be a hard ass again with you. My guard is up and I will not let the wall come down until I am comfortable with you again. I am changing your ringtone to be "No Scrubs" from TLC. I think it suits you perfectly in some cases.
If the sex wasn't so damn fun it would be easy to walk away but how many times in a lifetime does a person find someone they enjoy talking to and spending time with and with who they can have fun uninhibited uncommitted sex.
I am such an idiot. Just when I thought everything was going smooth again after the wonderful conversation we had last week, you went back to your frazzled self. I can always hear the difference on the phone when you are stressed or you have something going through your mind.
When I called on Sat to ask for a piece of wood to cover the mousehole in the garage you were on your way to a meeting and wanted me to call you Sunday.
I was dumb enough to forget that the day before you mentioned you had to go out of town to watch your best friend's son in the all-star B-ball state tournament. So when I texted you about picking up the wood and I never heard from you I was a little pissed.
After all I do for you, being the shoulder for you to lean on, being the fun sex person who does not want any commitment, being the voice of reason when you need an opinion, you would think you would be a little bit nicer and ameniable to me.
Your wife is the one who got you into the huge tax mess that you are in now. Had she filed payroll taxes like she should have instead of using them to pay other bills, you would not have had to scramble to all your clients and ask them for money to meet your deadline for the IRS. Your wife does payroll for a large pathology group in town so she knows that what she did is not only wrong but illegal. I can only hope that she is paying payroll taxes this year because I will not be able to loan you any money next year if this happens again.
Seriously, is it that hard to be nice to the one person who never treats you bad? I am on a mission to be a hard ass again with you. My guard is up and I will not let the wall come down until I am comfortable with you again. I am changing your ringtone to be "No Scrubs" from TLC. I think it suits you perfectly in some cases.
If the sex wasn't so damn fun it would be easy to walk away but how many times in a lifetime does a person find someone they enjoy talking to and spending time with and with who they can have fun uninhibited uncommitted sex.
Thursday, November 8, 2007
Letter # 4
Dear T -
I am so fucking mad at myself. When I became your personal doormat I'm not quite sure but it seems that everytime your world gets hectic and crazy or you begin to worry that you are going to lose your business you make me feel like shit. Not directly of course, I just seem to be collateral damage. I can see my self esteem slowly diminishing. I find that on my happy days, nothing can bother me and I don't even think about you. But even I have days that are hard, whether it me a gloomy rainy day or one of my down moods days. You know what I mean, we all have them.
Mentally, being involved with you is exhausting. What started off as having fun and looking forward to seeing each other has become me dreading calling you for fear of what mood you are in. I'm not really explaining myself very well-there are a million thoughts that run throught my mind every time I think about you and how I feel. Sometimes I think that what I really need is a break from you and pretend that you never entered my life. But when I think about this it makes me very sad because there is a part of me that is very happy to have you in my life. It's not all about the sex since our sex lately has become rushed unlike the beginning when you couldn't wait to get a hold of me.
In some ways this online journal has become very therapeutic. When I write in it I find it is like venting and allows me to get things off my chest. Things I'm not brave enough to say to your face for fear of insulting you or hurting your feelings. Well there is going to come a day when I will say f*** your feelings - what about all my hurt feelings. What about all the times I was a good listener for you and you have never been for me. Seriously, it's not like I can talk to anyone about this since noone knows but you never let me talk to you about it.
I really should just log into this journal and write away everytime I need to vent! It is very cathartic...
I am so fucking mad at myself. When I became your personal doormat I'm not quite sure but it seems that everytime your world gets hectic and crazy or you begin to worry that you are going to lose your business you make me feel like shit. Not directly of course, I just seem to be collateral damage. I can see my self esteem slowly diminishing. I find that on my happy days, nothing can bother me and I don't even think about you. But even I have days that are hard, whether it me a gloomy rainy day or one of my down moods days. You know what I mean, we all have them.
Mentally, being involved with you is exhausting. What started off as having fun and looking forward to seeing each other has become me dreading calling you for fear of what mood you are in. I'm not really explaining myself very well-there are a million thoughts that run throught my mind every time I think about you and how I feel. Sometimes I think that what I really need is a break from you and pretend that you never entered my life. But when I think about this it makes me very sad because there is a part of me that is very happy to have you in my life. It's not all about the sex since our sex lately has become rushed unlike the beginning when you couldn't wait to get a hold of me.
In some ways this online journal has become very therapeutic. When I write in it I find it is like venting and allows me to get things off my chest. Things I'm not brave enough to say to your face for fear of insulting you or hurting your feelings. Well there is going to come a day when I will say f*** your feelings - what about all my hurt feelings. What about all the times I was a good listener for you and you have never been for me. Seriously, it's not like I can talk to anyone about this since noone knows but you never let me talk to you about it.
I really should just log into this journal and write away everytime I need to vent! It is very cathartic...
Monday, November 5, 2007
Letter #3
Dear T -
You were not yourself on Friday when you came over for a playdate. I could tell just by your voice on the phone. I could tell something was wrong when I put two cupcakes together with a 3 and an 8 candle on them and made you make a wish.
You were very not yourself when we got naked and I started to play with you and could only get you semi-hard. You didn't want to be kissed and almost seemed like you were avoiding it. Even after a gave you your B-day present which was a book of short story erotica you seemed very disconnected.
You apologized for seeming detached and said it was because you have a lot on your mind and that you had three guys at three jobsites waiting for you. You even left the house very quickly. After packing you a lunch, you kissed me and said "Thanks for your Support". What the Fuck was that? That is something you find in a greeting card and not something you tell your closest friend who had been fun fucking you for the last 2 years and has been your constant shoulder to lean on.
I have taken my fair share of your complaining over the last 2 years. I don't think you even realize that I NEVER call you to complain about anything going on in my life and I never discuss anything personal about me. But you don't think twice about dumping all your problems on me.
You called Thurs (the day before) to say that you dropped your phone into a excavation pit and that H was going to get you a replacement so don't send any texts because she would see them. (I hadn't because, well I don't know why- maybe it was intuition telling me not to) You also said I should cool it with the texting because H was asking why I send you text messages.
I send them because you said you liked getting messages from me and because it is much easier to get in touch with someone through texting versus calling, not answering, having someone call you back, eccentially playing phone tag. You could have just told her that I send you jokes that people send to me. But no - you get all paranoid that our little secret will get out.
How many times have we talked about the fact that we are NOT having an affair? You prefer to call it "hookin up" while I prefer to call it "playing". Neither one of us has any intention of leaving our spouses. Seriously, everyone needs to have a special friend other than their spouse. It keeps things fresh but also allows you to be more adventurous than you would be with your spouse. Last month you told me that you and H don't have sex very often. Maybe that's why she is such a sourpuss, if you gave it to her more often she would be in better moods. After her bookeeping/accounting fiasco, you held out on her for two months this summer so gee, I wonder what might give her the idea that you are getting it elsewhere.
When I called you Sat evening I could really hear the tension in your voice. You said you were "fine" but just stressed about getting caught, being business broke, having to scramble for payroll every week. You said "you and me we're fine" well I wasn't worried about me dumbass, I was worried about you. At that moment I could have sworn that you were Humpty Dumpty just waiting to fall and break into a million pieces. And yes I am worried that no one will be able to pick up the pieces to put you back together again. I could just hear the tiny crack in the surface. So I am going to not call or talk to you this week just to give you a break.
You were not yourself on Friday when you came over for a playdate. I could tell just by your voice on the phone. I could tell something was wrong when I put two cupcakes together with a 3 and an 8 candle on them and made you make a wish.
You were very not yourself when we got naked and I started to play with you and could only get you semi-hard. You didn't want to be kissed and almost seemed like you were avoiding it. Even after a gave you your B-day present which was a book of short story erotica you seemed very disconnected.
You apologized for seeming detached and said it was because you have a lot on your mind and that you had three guys at three jobsites waiting for you. You even left the house very quickly. After packing you a lunch, you kissed me and said "Thanks for your Support". What the Fuck was that? That is something you find in a greeting card and not something you tell your closest friend who had been fun fucking you for the last 2 years and has been your constant shoulder to lean on.
I have taken my fair share of your complaining over the last 2 years. I don't think you even realize that I NEVER call you to complain about anything going on in my life and I never discuss anything personal about me. But you don't think twice about dumping all your problems on me.
You called Thurs (the day before) to say that you dropped your phone into a excavation pit and that H was going to get you a replacement so don't send any texts because she would see them. (I hadn't because, well I don't know why- maybe it was intuition telling me not to) You also said I should cool it with the texting because H was asking why I send you text messages.
I send them because you said you liked getting messages from me and because it is much easier to get in touch with someone through texting versus calling, not answering, having someone call you back, eccentially playing phone tag. You could have just told her that I send you jokes that people send to me. But no - you get all paranoid that our little secret will get out.
How many times have we talked about the fact that we are NOT having an affair? You prefer to call it "hookin up" while I prefer to call it "playing". Neither one of us has any intention of leaving our spouses. Seriously, everyone needs to have a special friend other than their spouse. It keeps things fresh but also allows you to be more adventurous than you would be with your spouse. Last month you told me that you and H don't have sex very often. Maybe that's why she is such a sourpuss, if you gave it to her more often she would be in better moods. After her bookeeping/accounting fiasco, you held out on her for two months this summer so gee, I wonder what might give her the idea that you are getting it elsewhere.
When I called you Sat evening I could really hear the tension in your voice. You said you were "fine" but just stressed about getting caught, being business broke, having to scramble for payroll every week. You said "you and me we're fine" well I wasn't worried about me dumbass, I was worried about you. At that moment I could have sworn that you were Humpty Dumpty just waiting to fall and break into a million pieces. And yes I am worried that no one will be able to pick up the pieces to put you back together again. I could just hear the tiny crack in the surface. So I am going to not call or talk to you this week just to give you a break.
Thursday, October 25, 2007
Letter #2
Dear T -
Being a friend is a thankless job. It is a job that we all do not because we want to be rewarded but rather appreciated. Sometimes it seems that people will dump their problems on you not once, not twice, not even three times but several times a month and just assume you will listen. They never ask whether there is anything you want to discuss but just dump their multitude of problems on you.
It's enough to make someone scream! So my friend H called a couple of days ago and said he needed a friend to talk to. So I told hubby that I was "going to the gym" and went to meet H at the restaturant where he was renovating the bathrooms. After shooting the breeze while he was tiling, we packed up and went and sat in the parking lot and just talked.
He's worried that his reputation is suffering. He heard that a couple of his subs will not work for him because he doesn't pay his bills. Which is not true. Unfortunately, he can't pay his bills in full because he is in debt. He has had a couple of projects that he lost money on. All it takes is just two or three of those and the next thing you know you are deep in debt.
Being a friend is a thankless job. It is a job that we all do not because we want to be rewarded but rather appreciated. Sometimes it seems that people will dump their problems on you not once, not twice, not even three times but several times a month and just assume you will listen. They never ask whether there is anything you want to discuss but just dump their multitude of problems on you.
It's enough to make someone scream! So my friend H called a couple of days ago and said he needed a friend to talk to. So I told hubby that I was "going to the gym" and went to meet H at the restaturant where he was renovating the bathrooms. After shooting the breeze while he was tiling, we packed up and went and sat in the parking lot and just talked.
He's worried that his reputation is suffering. He heard that a couple of his subs will not work for him because he doesn't pay his bills. Which is not true. Unfortunately, he can't pay his bills in full because he is in debt. He has had a couple of projects that he lost money on. All it takes is just two or three of those and the next thing you know you are deep in debt.
Monday, October 22, 2007
Letter #1
Dear Friend -
I never know what's going on with you. Sometimes you act like you can't wait to see me and spend some time "Meeting" with me. Other times you blow me off like I'm just in the way.
Like the other night when we were supposed to meet at the end of the day and you called B to tell her you were on your way home and didn't call me to tell me you were too tired and just wanted to go home.
I have always been understanding, and have never pressured you. Why can't you just tell me. You should have called me first and said you were too tired to meet then called B and told her you were coming home.
We are just friends that are "hooking up" or as I call it "playing". I never want anything more from you than your friendship and companionship but there are times I think you are haunted by past memories of your affair. I know you worry that you might fall in love with me but I will not let that happen and considereing that it has been over one and a half years now, it is highly unlikely to happen. We have grown closer as friends and are now in a certain comfort zone. I am happy where I am with you and hope you are with me.
The difference is that this is not an affair but fun and last time you had a full blown affair because you were in love with N for over three years. If you loved her that much you should have not let her go when B discovered the affair. You are such a softie that you immediately acqiesed to her demands. You know you did the wrong thing.
I never know what's going on with you. Sometimes you act like you can't wait to see me and spend some time "Meeting" with me. Other times you blow me off like I'm just in the way.
Like the other night when we were supposed to meet at the end of the day and you called B to tell her you were on your way home and didn't call me to tell me you were too tired and just wanted to go home.
I have always been understanding, and have never pressured you. Why can't you just tell me. You should have called me first and said you were too tired to meet then called B and told her you were coming home.
We are just friends that are "hooking up" or as I call it "playing". I never want anything more from you than your friendship and companionship but there are times I think you are haunted by past memories of your affair. I know you worry that you might fall in love with me but I will not let that happen and considereing that it has been over one and a half years now, it is highly unlikely to happen. We have grown closer as friends and are now in a certain comfort zone. I am happy where I am with you and hope you are with me.
The difference is that this is not an affair but fun and last time you had a full blown affair because you were in love with N for over three years. If you loved her that much you should have not let her go when B discovered the affair. You are such a softie that you immediately acqiesed to her demands. You know you did the wrong thing.
Saturday, March 17, 2007
Almost 1 year ago....
It started a year ago with a whole bunch of innocent flirting that soon moved on to the not so innocent. Yes, I started having sex with someone who became a friend over the past 2 1/2 years. Yes, we are both married. No, we do not plan on leaving our spouses because it is not an affair. We are both at a xroads in our lives where we love our spouses but 16 years later are not in lust with them anymore.
I think this happens to more people than we realize. Some of us are willing to take the chance and hope that there is someone out there that re-ignites the spark that has long been buried deep inside us.
I found that person who "sparks" me. I am not looking to marry him and he is not looking to marry me. I know he has thought about what would happen in the long distant future if we eventually ended up together because he has said so out loud.
Why am I doing this? Do I have a husband who ignores me? No Do I have a husband who beats me? No Then WHY???
Because I married a man that was perfect for me and that I knew my family would love. He fits in great and always will. He is a doctor and so am I. He is my best friend. We can talk about anything (except this, of course). That's the problem. I want a man that is going to excite me, you know the so called "bad boy". With my friend I get to have fun sex, playful sex, UNINHIBITED sex, the kind of sex that is hard to have with your partner of 16 years.
I really do love my DH (dear husband) but he does nothing for me in bed and never has. I have never orgasmed with him and he has never been able to get me to orgasm because he is not very good at sex and horrible at foreplay.
Why did I marry him? Because I grew up in a very strict household that implied (because it was never spoken about) that sex was bad and so was anything that made you feel "tingly down there".
I was always the good girl (oldest child of course) who everyone complimented on about what a wonderful and thoughtful daughter I was growing up.
I think this happens to more people than we realize. Some of us are willing to take the chance and hope that there is someone out there that re-ignites the spark that has long been buried deep inside us.
I found that person who "sparks" me. I am not looking to marry him and he is not looking to marry me. I know he has thought about what would happen in the long distant future if we eventually ended up together because he has said so out loud.
Why am I doing this? Do I have a husband who ignores me? No Do I have a husband who beats me? No Then WHY???
Because I married a man that was perfect for me and that I knew my family would love. He fits in great and always will. He is a doctor and so am I. He is my best friend. We can talk about anything (except this, of course). That's the problem. I want a man that is going to excite me, you know the so called "bad boy". With my friend I get to have fun sex, playful sex, UNINHIBITED sex, the kind of sex that is hard to have with your partner of 16 years.
I really do love my DH (dear husband) but he does nothing for me in bed and never has. I have never orgasmed with him and he has never been able to get me to orgasm because he is not very good at sex and horrible at foreplay.
Why did I marry him? Because I grew up in a very strict household that implied (because it was never spoken about) that sex was bad and so was anything that made you feel "tingly down there".
I was always the good girl (oldest child of course) who everyone complimented on about what a wonderful and thoughtful daughter I was growing up.
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