Dear T-
I am such an idiot. Just when I thought everything was going smooth again after the wonderful conversation we had last week, you went back to your frazzled self. I can always hear the difference on the phone when you are stressed or you have something going through your mind.
When I called on Sat to ask for a piece of wood to cover the mousehole in the garage you were on your way to a meeting and wanted me to call you Sunday.
I was dumb enough to forget that the day before you mentioned you had to go out of town to watch your best friend's son in the all-star B-ball state tournament. So when I texted you about picking up the wood and I never heard from you I was a little pissed.
After all I do for you, being the shoulder for you to lean on, being the fun sex person who does not want any commitment, being the voice of reason when you need an opinion, you would think you would be a little bit nicer and ameniable to me.
Your wife is the one who got you into the huge tax mess that you are in now. Had she filed payroll taxes like she should have instead of using them to pay other bills, you would not have had to scramble to all your clients and ask them for money to meet your deadline for the IRS. Your wife does payroll for a large pathology group in town so she knows that what she did is not only wrong but illegal. I can only hope that she is paying payroll taxes this year because I will not be able to loan you any money next year if this happens again.
Seriously, is it that hard to be nice to the one person who never treats you bad? I am on a mission to be a hard ass again with you. My guard is up and I will not let the wall come down until I am comfortable with you again. I am changing your ringtone to be "No Scrubs" from TLC. I think it suits you perfectly in some cases.
If the sex wasn't so damn fun it would be easy to walk away but how many times in a lifetime does a person find someone they enjoy talking to and spending time with and with who they can have fun uninhibited uncommitted sex.
Monday, November 19, 2007
Thursday, November 8, 2007
Letter # 4
Dear T -
I am so fucking mad at myself. When I became your personal doormat I'm not quite sure but it seems that everytime your world gets hectic and crazy or you begin to worry that you are going to lose your business you make me feel like shit. Not directly of course, I just seem to be collateral damage. I can see my self esteem slowly diminishing. I find that on my happy days, nothing can bother me and I don't even think about you. But even I have days that are hard, whether it me a gloomy rainy day or one of my down moods days. You know what I mean, we all have them.
Mentally, being involved with you is exhausting. What started off as having fun and looking forward to seeing each other has become me dreading calling you for fear of what mood you are in. I'm not really explaining myself very well-there are a million thoughts that run throught my mind every time I think about you and how I feel. Sometimes I think that what I really need is a break from you and pretend that you never entered my life. But when I think about this it makes me very sad because there is a part of me that is very happy to have you in my life. It's not all about the sex since our sex lately has become rushed unlike the beginning when you couldn't wait to get a hold of me.
In some ways this online journal has become very therapeutic. When I write in it I find it is like venting and allows me to get things off my chest. Things I'm not brave enough to say to your face for fear of insulting you or hurting your feelings. Well there is going to come a day when I will say f*** your feelings - what about all my hurt feelings. What about all the times I was a good listener for you and you have never been for me. Seriously, it's not like I can talk to anyone about this since noone knows but you never let me talk to you about it.
I really should just log into this journal and write away everytime I need to vent! It is very cathartic...
I am so fucking mad at myself. When I became your personal doormat I'm not quite sure but it seems that everytime your world gets hectic and crazy or you begin to worry that you are going to lose your business you make me feel like shit. Not directly of course, I just seem to be collateral damage. I can see my self esteem slowly diminishing. I find that on my happy days, nothing can bother me and I don't even think about you. But even I have days that are hard, whether it me a gloomy rainy day or one of my down moods days. You know what I mean, we all have them.
Mentally, being involved with you is exhausting. What started off as having fun and looking forward to seeing each other has become me dreading calling you for fear of what mood you are in. I'm not really explaining myself very well-there are a million thoughts that run throught my mind every time I think about you and how I feel. Sometimes I think that what I really need is a break from you and pretend that you never entered my life. But when I think about this it makes me very sad because there is a part of me that is very happy to have you in my life. It's not all about the sex since our sex lately has become rushed unlike the beginning when you couldn't wait to get a hold of me.
In some ways this online journal has become very therapeutic. When I write in it I find it is like venting and allows me to get things off my chest. Things I'm not brave enough to say to your face for fear of insulting you or hurting your feelings. Well there is going to come a day when I will say f*** your feelings - what about all my hurt feelings. What about all the times I was a good listener for you and you have never been for me. Seriously, it's not like I can talk to anyone about this since noone knows but you never let me talk to you about it.
I really should just log into this journal and write away everytime I need to vent! It is very cathartic...
Monday, November 5, 2007
Letter #3
Dear T -
You were not yourself on Friday when you came over for a playdate. I could tell just by your voice on the phone. I could tell something was wrong when I put two cupcakes together with a 3 and an 8 candle on them and made you make a wish.
You were very not yourself when we got naked and I started to play with you and could only get you semi-hard. You didn't want to be kissed and almost seemed like you were avoiding it. Even after a gave you your B-day present which was a book of short story erotica you seemed very disconnected.
You apologized for seeming detached and said it was because you have a lot on your mind and that you had three guys at three jobsites waiting for you. You even left the house very quickly. After packing you a lunch, you kissed me and said "Thanks for your Support". What the Fuck was that? That is something you find in a greeting card and not something you tell your closest friend who had been fun fucking you for the last 2 years and has been your constant shoulder to lean on.
I have taken my fair share of your complaining over the last 2 years. I don't think you even realize that I NEVER call you to complain about anything going on in my life and I never discuss anything personal about me. But you don't think twice about dumping all your problems on me.
You called Thurs (the day before) to say that you dropped your phone into a excavation pit and that H was going to get you a replacement so don't send any texts because she would see them. (I hadn't because, well I don't know why- maybe it was intuition telling me not to) You also said I should cool it with the texting because H was asking why I send you text messages.
I send them because you said you liked getting messages from me and because it is much easier to get in touch with someone through texting versus calling, not answering, having someone call you back, eccentially playing phone tag. You could have just told her that I send you jokes that people send to me. But no - you get all paranoid that our little secret will get out.
How many times have we talked about the fact that we are NOT having an affair? You prefer to call it "hookin up" while I prefer to call it "playing". Neither one of us has any intention of leaving our spouses. Seriously, everyone needs to have a special friend other than their spouse. It keeps things fresh but also allows you to be more adventurous than you would be with your spouse. Last month you told me that you and H don't have sex very often. Maybe that's why she is such a sourpuss, if you gave it to her more often she would be in better moods. After her bookeeping/accounting fiasco, you held out on her for two months this summer so gee, I wonder what might give her the idea that you are getting it elsewhere.
When I called you Sat evening I could really hear the tension in your voice. You said you were "fine" but just stressed about getting caught, being business broke, having to scramble for payroll every week. You said "you and me we're fine" well I wasn't worried about me dumbass, I was worried about you. At that moment I could have sworn that you were Humpty Dumpty just waiting to fall and break into a million pieces. And yes I am worried that no one will be able to pick up the pieces to put you back together again. I could just hear the tiny crack in the surface. So I am going to not call or talk to you this week just to give you a break.
You were not yourself on Friday when you came over for a playdate. I could tell just by your voice on the phone. I could tell something was wrong when I put two cupcakes together with a 3 and an 8 candle on them and made you make a wish.
You were very not yourself when we got naked and I started to play with you and could only get you semi-hard. You didn't want to be kissed and almost seemed like you were avoiding it. Even after a gave you your B-day present which was a book of short story erotica you seemed very disconnected.
You apologized for seeming detached and said it was because you have a lot on your mind and that you had three guys at three jobsites waiting for you. You even left the house very quickly. After packing you a lunch, you kissed me and said "Thanks for your Support". What the Fuck was that? That is something you find in a greeting card and not something you tell your closest friend who had been fun fucking you for the last 2 years and has been your constant shoulder to lean on.
I have taken my fair share of your complaining over the last 2 years. I don't think you even realize that I NEVER call you to complain about anything going on in my life and I never discuss anything personal about me. But you don't think twice about dumping all your problems on me.
You called Thurs (the day before) to say that you dropped your phone into a excavation pit and that H was going to get you a replacement so don't send any texts because she would see them. (I hadn't because, well I don't know why- maybe it was intuition telling me not to) You also said I should cool it with the texting because H was asking why I send you text messages.
I send them because you said you liked getting messages from me and because it is much easier to get in touch with someone through texting versus calling, not answering, having someone call you back, eccentially playing phone tag. You could have just told her that I send you jokes that people send to me. But no - you get all paranoid that our little secret will get out.
How many times have we talked about the fact that we are NOT having an affair? You prefer to call it "hookin up" while I prefer to call it "playing". Neither one of us has any intention of leaving our spouses. Seriously, everyone needs to have a special friend other than their spouse. It keeps things fresh but also allows you to be more adventurous than you would be with your spouse. Last month you told me that you and H don't have sex very often. Maybe that's why she is such a sourpuss, if you gave it to her more often she would be in better moods. After her bookeeping/accounting fiasco, you held out on her for two months this summer so gee, I wonder what might give her the idea that you are getting it elsewhere.
When I called you Sat evening I could really hear the tension in your voice. You said you were "fine" but just stressed about getting caught, being business broke, having to scramble for payroll every week. You said "you and me we're fine" well I wasn't worried about me dumbass, I was worried about you. At that moment I could have sworn that you were Humpty Dumpty just waiting to fall and break into a million pieces. And yes I am worried that no one will be able to pick up the pieces to put you back together again. I could just hear the tiny crack in the surface. So I am going to not call or talk to you this week just to give you a break.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)