Letter # 4

Dear T -
I am so fucking mad at myself. When I became your personal doormat I'm not quite sure but it seems that everytime your world gets hectic and crazy or you begin to worry that you are going to lose your business you make me feel like shit. Not directly of course, I just seem to be collateral damage. I can see my self esteem slowly diminishing. I find that on my happy days, nothing can bother me and I don't even think about you. But even I have days that are hard, whether it me a gloomy rainy day or one of my down moods days. You know what I mean, we all have them.

Mentally, being involved with you is exhausting. What started off as having fun and looking forward to seeing each other has become me dreading calling you for fear of what mood you are in. I'm not really explaining myself very well-there are a million thoughts that run throught my mind every time I think about you and how I feel. Sometimes I think that what I really need is a break from you and pretend that you never entered my life. But when I think about this it makes me very sad because there is a part of me that is very happy to have you in my life. It's not all about the sex since our sex lately has become rushed unlike the beginning when you couldn't wait to get a hold of me.

In some ways this online journal has become very therapeutic. When I write in it I find it is like venting and allows me to get things off my chest. Things I'm not brave enough to say to your face for fear of insulting you or hurting your feelings. Well there is going to come a day when I will say f*** your feelings - what about all my hurt feelings. What about all the times I was a good listener for you and you have never been for me. Seriously, it's not like I can talk to anyone about this since noone knows but you never let me talk to you about it.

I really should just log into this journal and write away everytime I need to vent! It is very cathartic...