L is for Loser

Yup, I'm the loser. I am still holding on to that tiny little shred of hope that someday you still want to have fun with me. I guess I'm in denial that our better than friendship may be over. If it is, then for god's sake be a man and tell me.

Scared

I am a big chicken. I know I am. I am scared to death that I am going to lay myself right out there in public, feelings and all, only to be trampled because you don't feel the same way. I really thought I did love you and I still do but with a big hesitation in my heart.
The day that I overheard the 3way call felt like it stuck a knife in my throat and my heart. My hands were trembling and shaking and the more I realized that you were not talking to me, the more I wanted to just crawl up into a hole and die. There are no words to describe the utter embarrasment I felt of sending you all those wonderful text messages that would get me all warm and fuzzy, only to have you ignore me and turn around and tell your wife the same words that I had been longing to hear for weeks. I turned my embarassment into anger, angry that I was stupid enough to allow myself to be duped. I still have not heard any of those words and it just seems like I am constantly trying to help you instead of you helping me every once in a while.
I wish I could learn to just ignore it and pretend nothing has ever happened to us and that we are just friends and have always been but I can't.

Green Eyed Monster Returns

I haven't had to write in this in a while since I seemed to be mentally capable of handling things but apparently I am losing my grip again. I am jealous of the females in your life. You told me that there was nothing going on between you and E and I know you were telling the truth but I can't help but be jealous of her. Why? I don't know. I am very jealous of any time you are spending with D let alone E. Now she has you potentially building a house for a down and out family. What you need are real houses not clean up shit.
I should write in here more often since it helps me vent in an anonymous forum since I cannot talk about any of this stuff in public. If I did our little secret would be out.
When I feel insecure I send u a racy message and it makes me feel better knowing that I am the one u fuck not them. Ha Ha on them. They get to continue to live their miserable lives trapped with husbands they have grown bored with and lives they are bored of. I get to escape every once in a while and enjoy myself.

Unspoken Words #1

I have a hard time saying some of the things that I want to say to you. The longer we know each other the less I feel I can ask you questions. I know that you have many secret/private sides to you that you don't want the other sides to know. The longer we know each other the less I fell that we are friends but instead just people who fuck each other every so often.
Throughout the summer, we were pretty regular of sexing every 2 weeks. It has now been almost seven weeks. I sometimes feel that you don't try hard enough to make our meetings and your comment back in August of "I can have sex with you anytime I want" rings in my head that you think I am available whenever you please. This is not true of course and I have tried very hard to let you know. You will never say you miss me so I will never tell you either. If I did you would just say something like 'me too' but be crossing your fingers or something.
I am in one of those fucking moods that if you called I'm not sure I want to answer or ignore it until I come back from vacation. I am thinking of writing you a letter with all the things that I expect done before I come back from vaca. And if those things are not done then I will raise holy hell.
There are times I wish that I could have a torrid affair with you but sometimes I feel that we have already done that and now I am just the forgotten chick. Sometimes you need to just understand that I am fucking HOT and you are a fat carpenter. I challenge you to find someone you can sleep with that is better looking than me, in better shape than me and more trustworthy than me!
FUCK YOU, BASTARD!!!

I am Strong

I am strong, Hear me roar! I don't need any fucking man telling me what to do or what he wants. It's called self respect.

I will stand on my own two feet and ignore the desire to call you to hear the sound of your voice. I will bask in the joy of knowing that I am in great shape and have a nice ass. Enough to make some bodybuilders take notice :)

You on the other hand are nothing but a fat carpenter. You are very sweet and an incessant flirt but none the less a fat carpenter. Your body leaves much to be desired. Looking back I cannot believe that I have been fucking a fat man! You used to make up for it in other ways but now you just assume that I am available whenever you feel the desire and that is obviously not the case. I cannot believe that you can attract women given your physique but hey, it seemed to work on me so I guess it would work on others.

I dare you to go and try finding someone prettier, sexier, hornier and in better shape than me. I dare you to try and find all of those and who makes a six figure salary. Oh and can keep a secret til death.

I always think of it this way. If a person died how much would I miss them and is it worth it for me to be mad at them when they leave the house, just in case something happened.

I livelife with no regrets... I do not regret falling for you or becoming intimately involved with you. As a matter of fact, I am glad I did those things. What I do regret is feeling like a wallflower girl waiting to be asked to dance. Every day waiting for the phone to ring to confirm you desire to be with me or even just friend chat with me. I regret that I get stupid enough to feel like the poor high school girl waiting for the popular boy to take notice of her. And when he does, she is thrilled to death, dotes on him only to have him use her to carry his books, do his homework, run errands and hang out with her only when the other cool kids are not around. Because heaven forbid someone see them together! Oh mortification.

We have all done that to someone or another at some point. Our social hierarchy is such that we always want acceptance and think that the epopular crown offers us that. How wrong we are! We can blame it on our yound when we are younger but what's the excuse as we get older?

ROAR!!!!

Letter # 7

Dear T-
There are times when I wonder whether I am the stupidest girl in the whole wide world. I ponder about us relentlessly...sometimes just as friends and other times as lovers.

I would love to have a friend relationship with you where we could flirt with one another like we always did and you would not hold back like you had somethingto hide. I know that is impossible because I know how tough it is to seem like you are friends when the thoughts running through your head is that I'd like to f*** you.

I am in a jealously stage now and can't stop thinking about you and E. When we met at your Xmas party, she talked about how much her son wishes to grow up like you. That made me sick to my stomach. I realized that you must know her very well. I don't know whether you visit her when her husband S is around or not. One time when you were talking to me you said you were at a friends house on the Sawyer Rd but never said who it was, then your truck passed mine. Of course after meeting E, I know it was her house but it still surprises me that you felt the need to hide this from me. It is times like that that make me wonder if I a just being used or whether you truly have some deep emotion for me. I hope it is the latter and that you don't want me to be jealous and therefore keep this info from me. I hope it is because you are used to keeping info from your wife H and automatically do it.

But the old expression rings clear in my head-once a cheater, always a cheater. What makes me think that you are not hooking up with someone else? and that I am now in the same position H is in.

Seriously, if I was her I would have put a GPS vehicle tracker on you long ago.

You are an absolutely sweet person who gets taken advantage of often. Part of it is your fault because you let this happen and have a hard time saying no to people but sometimes you get yourself into messes.

Here's what I would love to say to you... You are my favorite friend for many reasons but some days I could just kick myself. I'm afraid that one day you are going to do something to hurt me very badly. Then I will feel very stupid, ashamed, used, and will probably sink into a deep depression for having been so f***ing stupid.

What am I looking for? I really don't know. I guess part of it is the newness of it all. A big part is because I've only ever had sexual experience with 2 other people - only 1 of which I had sex with, the other I just fooled around with. So, I guess part of it is me wishing that I had broadened my sexual experience before meeting my husband.

Truthfully, he is not very good in bed. I am the only person he has ever slept with so he has no experience. My husband was the first person I ever had sex with. So how can I tell him when we are having sex that I don't like having sex with him or that I wish he would do the things to me that you do. You make my desire flutter. I don't think you can say my heart because even though I love you, I am not in love with you. I would never marry you because you keep too many secrets.