Letter # 7

Dear T-
There are times when I wonder whether I am the stupidest girl in the whole wide world. I ponder about us relentlessly...sometimes just as friends and other times as lovers.

I would love to have a friend relationship with you where we could flirt with one another like we always did and you would not hold back like you had somethingto hide. I know that is impossible because I know how tough it is to seem like you are friends when the thoughts running through your head is that I'd like to f*** you.

I am in a jealously stage now and can't stop thinking about you and E. When we met at your Xmas party, she talked about how much her son wishes to grow up like you. That made me sick to my stomach. I realized that you must know her very well. I don't know whether you visit her when her husband S is around or not. One time when you were talking to me you said you were at a friends house on the Sawyer Rd but never said who it was, then your truck passed mine. Of course after meeting E, I know it was her house but it still surprises me that you felt the need to hide this from me. It is times like that that make me wonder if I a just being used or whether you truly have some deep emotion for me. I hope it is the latter and that you don't want me to be jealous and therefore keep this info from me. I hope it is because you are used to keeping info from your wife H and automatically do it.

But the old expression rings clear in my head-once a cheater, always a cheater. What makes me think that you are not hooking up with someone else? and that I am now in the same position H is in.

Seriously, if I was her I would have put a GPS vehicle tracker on you long ago.

You are an absolutely sweet person who gets taken advantage of often. Part of it is your fault because you let this happen and have a hard time saying no to people but sometimes you get yourself into messes.

Here's what I would love to say to you... You are my favorite friend for many reasons but some days I could just kick myself. I'm afraid that one day you are going to do something to hurt me very badly. Then I will feel very stupid, ashamed, used, and will probably sink into a deep depression for having been so f***ing stupid.

What am I looking for? I really don't know. I guess part of it is the newness of it all. A big part is because I've only ever had sexual experience with 2 other people - only 1 of which I had sex with, the other I just fooled around with. So, I guess part of it is me wishing that I had broadened my sexual experience before meeting my husband.

Truthfully, he is not very good in bed. I am the only person he has ever slept with so he has no experience. My husband was the first person I ever had sex with. So how can I tell him when we are having sex that I don't like having sex with him or that I wish he would do the things to me that you do. You make my desire flutter. I don't think you can say my heart because even though I love you, I am not in love with you. I would never marry you because you keep too many secrets.